emma katherine's Journal

Time:	1:57 am.
Music:	django.

am i the only one who can hold this kind of love in front of you? make you this mad? make you this ecstatic? make you think this much about life after 20....after 21, 22, 23, 30? and we think about california, as if it's the shining light at the end of the tunnel. to change our life into something flourishing, instead of just managing to get by? oh what i would give to have something, anything more than just to get by. or maybe i should step back, because you know i rarely do, to look at our whole picture.

if i could take everyone i love and put them in a bubble and keep you all with me forever, i would. i would carry you from state to state, because you know i can't stay here.

i don't know what i'm talking about...it's to rach and travis (because i will ask you to check the history). two of my best friends. the two people who make me whole.

to rachael because the beginning was to travis: i miss and love you dearly, and i'm sitting here alone (ace is spooning my back, and you know you feel mostly whole with just about anything spooning your back as perfectly as he does.) i hope you find a new job, maybe at chelseas? maybe somewhere where people care about you. i can't believe how refreshing it is to work with people who care about how you are inside and out of work. travis and i have been discussing going to Harpers for my 21st. the night of at least. you want to come? i think i might ask brittney and her fiance, matt can come.

again i'm just sitting here drinking travis's newcastle and wondering where everyone is.

travis:our family, always our family.

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Subject:	soo
Time:	12:16 am.

in winston for the night. petsmarts pretty much riding my ass. it's hard working in grooming, and even harder not having a normal schedule. came home to do the christmas tree tradition with the fam and missed out on a great gwar show according to travis. speaking of travis we're doing really well. he'll have his recording and engineering degree soon and he's acing all of his classes.
the boys are doing good, for the most part. they got into a bit of a tussle the other day and yoda got aces ear pretty bad. and we found out ace is aggressive towards other male dogs. i suppose i just have to get his nuts chopped off.

as for me, always lots of female drama in the salon, and i never have much time for anything other than work. just trying to go day by day or i might kill myself.

love you guys.

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Time:

10:54 pm.

went to the party at tori's last night. it was fun. josh was wasted, rach was wasted. i didn't start feeling drunk until the drive home. i just ended up passing out when we got back to the house.

things i currently like:
-yuengling
-mobster movies
-scarface for ps2
-bit of honeys
-boxer briefs
-coloring books
-family guy
-russian
-me first and the gimmie gimmies love their country
-shannyn sossamon

things i currently dislike:
-creepy old guys that are way too foward
-north carolina
-laffy taffy
-cold
-the persisting pain in my clavicle

i cut my hair. finally got rach to snap a few pics.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

mightier than the sword.

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Subject:	god, my ass has gotten big
Time:	4:02 am.
Music:	annies songs.

seriously...it has. i've gained weight....i guess thats what happens when you dont have money for real food, and when noone will CLEAN THEIR GODDAMN DISHES SO I CAN COOK....i hate dirty boys and cokeheads. except for acey the little jew. no i'm not being discriminatory for the last time. he's getting a complex because i call him sugar butt.

Things that would be nice:
-for it to stop being 80 degrees one day and then 40 the next
-for holton mountain rentals to suck my tit while i pull a sneak attack and gouge out their eyes
-to have sex with the 1990 ray liota
-for someone to buy me a drink...hey i'm young, pretty and not damaged goods(slightly)

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Subject:	yes im still alive
Time:	1:20 am.
Music:	jello biafra-will the fetus be aborted?.

i'm still in boone
still at appstate
thinking about taking some time off of school for a year, maybe less
i want to take some time to find myself creatively again
write a story
paint a picture
learn an instrument
rearrange the room according to a feng shui book
read about more religions
get a job...a decent pay
soon after all this i'll take some business management classes
maybe cosmetology school
i want to open my own store
sell some diy clothing give funky haircuts
something different, somewhere different for people like me
i'm my best boss anyway

i got a dog, his name is Ace...we also call him Lil Sammy Rothstein. If you don't know what thats from its DeNiro's character from Casino. He's a Lab/Austrailian Sheperd mix...so he's going to be a big beautiful boy. He's getting along really well with Yoda (travis's dog (beagle german sheperd)). Hopefully they'll act civil seeing as they'll be living together for quite some time. I'll post pictures soon.

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Time:

11:18 pm.

If love was air I would suffocate. I have so little love left to give because my kindess, my adoration, my love has been raped and taken from my own body. I feel so little that its killing who I once was.

i miss rebekah. sitting on her couch in our pajamas watching movies. and passing poems in class knowing you were the first person i shared my soul with.

i miss chase. the moment you told me you loved me and i turned you away. or the moment we sat at borders and i slowly cried wishing you wouldn't leave for the navy. or maybe its all the notes i have stashed away, the ones i couldn't bring myself to send.

i miss alex. i miss feeling that i was floating above the air all my molecules seperated by light. i miss the butterflies.

i miss the love i had for you all. whether it was small or large. i wish i could hold you all in my arms and apologize for who i've become and ask for forgiveness, ask why we've grown apart.

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Subject:	sigh
Time:	3:19 pm.
Music:	instant crassic-NOFX.

I have a ten page paper due in two-three days and I catch myself finding anything I can to pull it off. I'm sick today (I should've known I would be since Travis is). I officially hate being sick away from home. Mom always took care of me like I was still 5 years old. I miss my family the same way I would miss oxygen under the pacific. I went to the dixie classic fair this weekend with Rachie, Josh, and Travis. We didn't ride rides but we still had so much fun and I think my stomach is beating me up about it still.
I love Boone for one thing and thats the weather. I havn't worn anything less than a sweatshirt for the past couple of weeks. But I'm still ready to go back and be with my family. I appreciate them so much more now that I don't have them with me constantly.

For those of you who don't have myspace/facebook whatever, I dyed my hair blonde a couple weeks ago. Well it really just looks strawberry blonde. I miss everyone and love you guys alot.

P.S. Rebekah I've been thinking about you alot lately...more than I should for my own sanity.

My beautiful twin and her boyrfriend Josh (whos practically brothers with my boyfriend)

Myself and Travis

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Time:

7:08 pm.

in two days, i will be on my way to the wonderful boone (cheap weed, hippies, and hopefully an education). as much as i hate winston i feel bad about leaving people behind. i am looking foward to a little extra freedom but not the loss of privacy. i will take some pictures the day i move in and will most likely be posting more entries while i'm up there for the simple fact of boredom.

p.s. ( I am a momma )

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Time:

4:10 pm.

Life's been interesting:

1.fear of moving
2.drama drama drama
3.dental work *shutters at scab on my gum from the needle*
4.psychotic ex-girlfriends
5.the first big knockdowndragout
6.rickybobby *and the fact that in north carolina and you know rednecks that are that stupid*
7.starwars battlefront
8.pop culture and trivial pursuit
9.missing friends
10.drinking too much wine and throwing up in a front yard (i thought i was bleeding internally)
11.passion to the 3rd power
12.gondolas
13.being schneidered
14.dookie bottom
15.PROJECT RUNWAY!

even though yesterday was not my day, by night i dressed up and felt like a rockstar...well psuedorockstar

"so i looked in the mirror and its amazing how these boxers cup my butt cheeks"

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Time:	12:20 am.
Music:	better be women-the dawrves.

someone said to me a week ago: "I want to be there when you spread your wings."

It was the first time I realized I am not who I want to be. I am not where I want to be. Everything is wrong, for the right reasons (maybe). My life's flipped upsidedown and I know that everyones the opposite of what they seem to be. ha, and I thought people were predictable.

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Time:	2:36 am.
Music:	shanghi honey.

something i wrote the other night and wanted to put it on here but couldn't because my computer was being a little bitch.

I stepped out into the midnight air and I swear it felt like fall, but I suppose it didn't matter. I've been drinking a bit tonight, just beer and wine, but for some odd reason my mouth tastes like vodka. That has to mean something. I turned on my car and stopped, hypnotized by the beeping noise...my car screaming at me to put on my seat belt.
I've been thinking about you alot lately, for no particular reason other than I can't shake you off my mind. It feels like its been a million years. I just want one night.
As I checked my rearview mirror for cops I smiled slyly. You're my fantasy. I know that you can't be nearly as good as you are in my head. Noones that perfect.

Its what we all know to be true, the act of something is never better than the thought of it.

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Time:	12:57 am.
Music:	no use for a name-chasing rainbows.

Its been quite a long month for me. Sometimes things are complicated and melodramatic but right now I need things to be more or less stalemated. I need to be away from North Carolina for awhile I think. If there is a hell North Carolina would be it.

Lately I've been feeling pretty invisible. I catch myself wanting to throw my fists into the air. Or wanting to run my car head first into a tree. I feel like a god because noone can touch you when you're alone within yourself or not in love*. That is if I believe in loving much anymore.

i've finally realized that some people you just shouldn't let in.

*this is not a refrence to you, you know who you are.

p.s. I've been wanting to make love to everyone lately.

p.s.s. i miss hanging out with my beautiful twin...(i wish you liked me more on the weekends, rabbit)

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Subject:	just call me tyrone biggums
Time:	2:46 am.

thursday-sunday (most likely) will be up in mt. airy. i'm still waiting for someone to give me a new nickname.
this saturday another vomit fest graces our presence, will be there for the majority of it. if anyone needs me my cell phone is still the same number!!!

by the way pics up soon and maybe a new myspace if i get really bored next week.

sometimes it takes a painful loss to realize you are free

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Time:	1:55 am.
Music:	social distortion-ball and chain/the slackers-married girl.

so its obvious i've totally screwed my friends over in the past, because not many people call me anymore. maybe i'm just to anti-social. summer has been suffocating me these last four days and i'm really looking foward to the move in august. hopefully i can find a job down here to save up enough money for my down payment. all-in-all this summer is going to be a lonely one if i don't find something to occupy my time. EXCEPT, i've decided to teach myself how to make stuffed animals this summer and am at this moment making my mom a big 'piritty' for mothers day. I made the word piritty for a cat/pirate. SEE, people, i don't need to be spending this much time indoors.

something i am slightly looking foward to is my 19th birthday. not for the presents but tori and i are throwing a little party at her house for the occasion. the best thing about birthdays is being able to get everyone here that i care about into one place at the same time (and they can't fight with each other because its my birthday and i will cry and make them feel guilty).

thinking about possibly a new tattoo? or a sewing machine? who knows?

love you guys. hope your summer is amazing.

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Time:

2:31 am.

remember:
-fear of a name only increases the fear of the thing itself.
-molding yourself into a stereotype is the most ignorant and pathetic thing you can do.
-the only person that you can count on the majority of the time is yourself, and sometimes that won't work out.
-noone is worth your tears.
-don't ever let someone walk all over you, including yourself.
-women:stop being conniving, whining little jealous children...men:stop thinking with your penis's and think with your brain, you'll get more pussy that way anyways.
-always include yourself in the above statement...i do.
-when you've found out who you really are share it with the world...this world needs less lies.
-don't ever let anyone think you're ugly. trust me you're all gorgeous to me.
-and when you're bored, be stupid.

( Read more... )

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Time:

7:45 pm.

went to a show last night...played more kingdom hearts 2 (for the second time with strategy guide)...watched wolf creek (i can blow chunks it was so horrible)...discussing purchase of apartment...watched crappy porn...drank...chased a moth around my room for a half hour

today had easter lunch with davids family...hid eggs and killed children with bubble guns...played crappy room escape game...on neopets a little bit...hopefully having wonderful sex tonight because i havn't gotten any for over a week...also long religion talks with mama...and waking up at 7ish for a Man United game...

brokeback mountain has nothing on their love. (rachaels boyfriend Joshy B. and Mitchum being kissed)

my amazing twin, Rachael, me, and some guy named mike who seems to have an addiction to Pabst. (yeah i know i look amazing in the 90 degrees of the werehouse)

David, my lover who seems pissed, me posing, and Mitch the Mitchman Mitchum (who's real name isn't Mitch, but Travis)

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Time:

3:17 am.

So its 3 something or other and i'm drunk alone...somehow i end up like this atleats once a month...by, the way, sorry kiddos for the most part my typing is still well after i've been drinking so no laughs. i got home from boone today and for the most part it was very relaxing except for davids roomate, jeremey...who happens to be the most obnoxious human being ever. i'm not really sure why i'm on here or what the purpose of this post is....oh well...tidbits

people i miss and need to see me:

Rebekah joan (girl, you have no idea how much i miss you everyday...i know that i'm an ass)
alex
rachael
tori
DAVID (oh wait...its only been 5 hours)

things i don't normally tell people because i am made fun of:

i play on neopets/play room escape games the majority of the time i'm on the internet...(well, i have my vice as all of you who spend hours on facebook and myspace-sorry to anyone who likes those sites but all i have to say is that i think it's a waste of your fucking time life is not a popularity contest)

if i'm not on the computer the rest of my free time goes to video games; the tony hawk games, final fantasy, and the number one game Kingdom Hearts (as well as Kingdom hearts 2). and although i am one of the few in this state over the age of 17 who plays this game it is something that makes me happy. anyone who makes fun of me for that i realized has nothing simple to make them happy in their lives.

moral.....find the little things that make you happy, be a kid again because we're all too young to be uptight and if you make fun of people for the little things then please take a long walk of a short pier (as cliche as it sounds) and rid the world of your prejudice. people grow up too damn fast.

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